Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
