I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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