Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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