im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
