She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
