wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
