Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
