those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
