I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
