When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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