The maid of honor just puked.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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