Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
