Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The air was thick with penises
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
