We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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