She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
