The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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