is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
