Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
