Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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