You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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