i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
