youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
