Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My liver just had a heart attack.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
