Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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