I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
please come you make the beer taste better
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
