and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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