Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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