i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
