i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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