Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I deserve this hangover.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
