I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
