Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
