So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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