how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
