Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
