life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
