I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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