If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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