Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
