Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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