A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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