You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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