Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
