im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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