I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My penis needs a shock collar
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
