is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
