the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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