Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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