New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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