You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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